Jon Zucker

Comedian, Writer, and Nice Boy

Play Script produced at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater,   Don't Talk About It

Spec Script, Man Seeking Woman

Shorter Things

All In A Name: An Email Chain With My Aunt Debbie

Subject: Fwd: All In A Name

From: Debbie Kaplan

Recipients: Jon Zucker, Ed Kaplan, Other Approachable-Sounding Jews

Begin Forwarded Message:

Subject: Fwd: All In A Name

From: Jon Zucker

Recipients: Debbie Kaplan, Ed Kaplan, Congruent List of Fun Jews

Message:

You cut off the end of the story! For those unfamiliar with the joke, it continues:

"B.J. Titsengolf?" she said. "Did you choose that name?"

"No. My mother was an alcoholic. And my father had no respect for human life. So they named me B.J. Titsengolf. And yes, my first name is Blow Job."

He looked down into his wine. A single tear fell from his cheek and diluted the liquid.

"I once caught my mother cheating on my father with a woman," she said. It was the first time she'd ever admitted this. 

He looked up from his wine and stared into her eyes. The left one was a slightly darker green than the right. He thought this was beautiful.

"I want to show you something," he said. He took her hand and led her into the courtyard.

They walked down to the meadow, sharing stories of their youth. They remembered what things were like when they were simple. Before life got in the way.

After a lengthy walk and lengthier conversation, they reached a creek in the middle of a forest. 

"Look there," he said. She followed his finger and saw an opening in the trees that allowed light to shine down on a sliver of water. The rhythmic collision of nature brought about a rainbow.

She smiled and nestled into his shoulder.

"My name isn't Carmen anymore," she said. "It's You."

In that moment, he took a mental photograph of her face, detailing every bump, curve, and pore. He wanted to remember it forever. 

"My name is still B.J. Titsengolf," he said. "My rules are different than yours."

Their eyes returned to the creek, and he silently cursed himself for ruining the moment.

"But if I had your rules, my name would be You, too," he said.

"That'd be confusing," she said. "Having the same name?"

"Yeah, I guess so," he said. "Maybe I'll just stick with Blow Job Titsengolf."

In that moment, they saw a shooting star fly across the sky. In the light of the phenomenon, she looked like an angel.

He thought of his mother and father. He thought of the years of tormenting he received as a child. And he thought of her. And for the first time, he understood that life - no matter how sad and stupid - is a gift, and while sometimes that gift sounds like a hyper-masculine joke used to mask an internet troll's small penis, it's what's inside that counts. 

Subject: Fwd: All In A Name

From: Debbie Kaplan

Recipient: Jon Zucker

Message: 

I thank you for telling me. It was a joke that someone sent to uncle Marc. It was the only part that was sent to him. I had no idea there was an entire other part.